two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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