I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
