you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
