They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
