I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
In America we eat man semen.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
