just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dignity is for republicans.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
