yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
