If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
