Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
