u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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