I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
