insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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