I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
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brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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