My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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