I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just had sex on a roof
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
