The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How does one acquire holy water?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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