All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
