Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
