when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
