she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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