U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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