im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
