and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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