when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
