Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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