My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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