I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
