My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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