how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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