I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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