I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
