apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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