the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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