When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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