i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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