Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
