my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
