i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
