Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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