I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
