The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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