tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
