I've blown a few things in my day
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
did i walk over a car last night?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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