I skipped work to stalk him.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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