I wish I only lived at night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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