Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
