update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
