Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
