I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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