I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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