how can u be prego again
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
