theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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