I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
