God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
