she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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