ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Swine flu. Run for my life!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
