SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
